How DO You Have Sex With a Metaphor?

So...yes..I finished the lab. And it was pretty damn good. It was postmarked at 11:45 am on the 26th. Exactly 36 hours and 15 minutes before the time it was due. You know how bad I am? I got up at 7:00 am on Saturday to finish it because it had to be postmarked by the 27th but the 27th was a Sunday. I finished it by 9:00 am. Then I sat around on the phone and talked until 11:25 am before I drove the 20 miles to the nearest post office that was open on Saturday. And of course they closed at noon.

After weeks of insistence, I finally joined my sister for an evening at the comedy club on Saturday night. Jesus....well...if only Jesus would have been there. We met for the 10:00 show. She and her comrades obviously started drinking a few hours before. She was wearing a shirt that could have only been worse if she weren't wearing one at all. I tried to subtly suggest that she may want to tuck some shit in or something. That was only countered with some very loud banter about how good her shit looks considering she's had a kid and all (You know...8 freakin' years ago.) I mean..really..I've had three. I've still got a long way to go before I'm in navel territory. I know that my D's may not compare the the "Holy Shit, what size are those?" cup size that she has, but come on! Nobody wants to look at that. There was some mention of how she got the shirt on sale at Gap. We all know that those clothes are only made for the boob-job-in-waiting girls. As if merely displaying her bosom to the world was not enough, she waited until the headliner called her onstage and decided to expose them, in all their bare-breastedness, for the world to enjoy. How do you tell someone they've moved from being the alcoholic that provided entertainment for all to a plain old fucking drunk? I'm working on that one. I got drunk enough that I bought the headliner's book AND dvd. He was working hard for his money and you know...Annie ruined the last 10 minutes of his set. I was kind of obligated. It's not a bad book though. My favorite line so far: (speaking of not having sex with the perfect woman at the perfect time) "I just don't know how to fuck a metaphor."

I spent the holiday doing the regular family thing. It was ok. Nice, actually. Good food and the girls had a great time. Those are the things that count. My step-mother is vegan but she is also Italian. She can cook meat in a way you never knew meat could be cooked. Ham AND turkey breast! Sweet potatoes with apples and pecans (delightful!), corn and broccoli medley, two kinds of salad, two kinds of bread, carrots, deviled eggs, fruit salad and cookies. We played a 12 member game of Balderdash! wherein all four of the adolescent members of the family made (semi-anonymously) every infantile reference to sex and curse words that is humanly possible. My 12 year old read the word "bitch," in front of me with all of the courage she could possibly muster. It was nice family bonding. I came home at 10pm and spent an hour and 45 minutes taking a 3 hour General Environmental Biology test. I'll get back to you on the results.

Today, I let the girls play "sick" and we went to the zoo with my step-mother, her daughter and four grandchildren, 2 of my sisters, and my nephew. It was fairly uneveventful. I have sunburn but Edie loved the "aminals."

I just finished my government assignment...3 twenty question quizzes, a 2 page answer to a threaded discussion and a 400-word paper. A's on all the quizzes...we'll have to see on the other 2 assignments. And yes...I did get the assignment last Monday. What's your point?

I can't wait until this semester is over. I think I'm taking the summer off!