How DO You Have Sex With a Metaphor?

So...yes..I finished the lab. And it was pretty damn good. It was postmarked at 11:45 am on the 26th. Exactly 36 hours and 15 minutes before the time it was due. You know how bad I am? I got up at 7:00 am on Saturday to finish it because it had to be postmarked by the 27th but the 27th was a Sunday. I finished it by 9:00 am. Then I sat around on the phone and talked until 11:25 am before I drove the 20 miles to the nearest post office that was open on Saturday. And of course they closed at noon.

After weeks of insistence, I finally joined my sister for an evening at the comedy club on Saturday night. Jesus....well...if only Jesus would have been there. We met for the 10:00 show. She and her comrades obviously started drinking a few hours before. She was wearing a shirt that could have only been worse if she weren't wearing one at all. I tried to subtly suggest that she may want to tuck some shit in or something. That was only countered with some very loud banter about how good her shit looks considering she's had a kid and all (You know...8 freakin' years ago.) I mean..really..I've had three. I've still got a long way to go before I'm in navel territory. I know that my D's may not compare the the "Holy Shit, what size are those?" cup size that she has, but come on! Nobody wants to look at that. There was some mention of how she got the shirt on sale at Gap. We all know that those clothes are only made for the boob-job-in-waiting girls. As if merely displaying her bosom to the world was not enough, she waited until the headliner called her onstage and decided to expose them, in all their bare-breastedness, for the world to enjoy. How do you tell someone they've moved from being the alcoholic that provided entertainment for all to a plain old fucking drunk? I'm working on that one. I got drunk enough that I bought the headliner's book AND dvd. He was working hard for his money and you know...Annie ruined the last 10 minutes of his set. I was kind of obligated. It's not a bad book though. My favorite line so far: (speaking of not having sex with the perfect woman at the perfect time) "I just don't know how to fuck a metaphor."

I spent the holiday doing the regular family thing. It was ok. Nice, actually. Good food and the girls had a great time. Those are the things that count. My step-mother is vegan but she is also Italian. She can cook meat in a way you never knew meat could be cooked. Ham AND turkey breast! Sweet potatoes with apples and pecans (delightful!), corn and broccoli medley, two kinds of salad, two kinds of bread, carrots, deviled eggs, fruit salad and cookies. We played a 12 member game of Balderdash! wherein all four of the adolescent members of the family made (semi-anonymously) every infantile reference to sex and curse words that is humanly possible. My 12 year old read the word "bitch," in front of me with all of the courage she could possibly muster. It was nice family bonding. I came home at 10pm and spent an hour and 45 minutes taking a 3 hour General Environmental Biology test. I'll get back to you on the results.

Today, I let the girls play "sick" and we went to the zoo with my step-mother, her daughter and four grandchildren, 2 of my sisters, and my nephew. It was fairly uneveventful. I have sunburn but Edie loved the "aminals."

I just finished my government assignment...3 twenty question quizzes, a 2 page answer to a threaded discussion and a 400-word paper. A's on all the quizzes...we'll have to see on the other 2 assignments. And yes...I did get the assignment last Monday. What's your point?

I can't wait until this semester is over. I think I'm taking the summer off!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can, I Think...

Today I am going to finish my lab report that's due in 2 days. What's that? You laugh? You scoff? Well, watch me. I know I can do it. Nevermind that I've had 2 months to do it. Nevermind that I have 3 more labs due in the next month. I can do this, I tell you. So why are you blogging then, Holly? Is that what you ask? Well, because I want to reward myself with a break now because I might not be able to take one later. Makes perfect sense to me.

Why do I procrastinate? I tell myself it must be because I work better under pressure. And I do. I can get things done all at once if I know I have to AND I can make it wonderful. At least, that's what I think. I mean..I don't remember a time I finished something without being under pressure. It's almost like some kind of high for me. Why do suppose that is?

I've lost 5 pounds. I haven't actually weighed myself. I'm just going by those jeans that won't go on after that certain last pound. I'm wearing them. That makes me happy.

My baby sister called last night. She got a place of her own. She's so excited. She's paying too much money to live on the good side of town. She's driving too far to get to school, but it's just 5 miles from her job. She needs me to make a list of all the things you need in a new place. The little things she will overlook, you know, "like toilet paper and shit." And she needs me to go furniture shopping with her this weekend. And she needs to know if I think it's appropriate to have a house-warming party when you move into an apartment because she really wants a toaster oven and vacuum cleaner. And she wants to know if Shirlynn can get her a good deal on a washer and dryer with the Whirlpool discount. And she wonders if I will let her babysit the girls at her new place. And she wonders if I'm happy that she's on the 3rd floor since I was so worried with that serial rapist guy sneaking in bottom floor windows and doors. And...oops...her lunch break is over and she has to go. Anyway..don't forget the list. She'll call tomorrow. (Oh to be nineteen again.)

I had a bad mother day yesterday. One of those days when I yelled about too many things and threatened too many times with things I never followed through on. I just get so tired some times. You really want to know how bad it was? We had oatmeal for dinner. I just couldn't get into "mommy" mode for some reason. I'm glad it's a new day. I bet they are too.

Skinniness is Only Beauty Deep

That's true, you know? I'm working on the 15 pounds I've gained. I thought I'd kick it off with a tan. I'm an idiot and my ass is on fire.

Funny how things happen when you're gone for awhile. Even when you're vacationing from cyberspace. I forgot the comfort of eavesdropping on others. I remember the way some things just make you feel good. Something very strange has happened over at M's place. JM still makes me warm all over (Most importantly, in the important places *wink*). J dreamt about me and I'm not even pregnant. Maybe she still loves me. Larry is still Larry...which is good, Larry. I think I'll hang around awhile.

For those of you who think I don't need you, I do. Probably more now than then. You know me. I measure my worth by those that need me. And when I feel like I'm not needed, I try to stop needing. Dysfunctional, I know.

My children are beautiful wonderful creatures. My oldest is becoming a whole new person. I love it. She talks to me and wants to shop with me. She needs more shoes to go with more outfits. She talks on 3-way with her boyfriend and best friend for hours on end. My middle one still dances with the vacuum cleaner no matter how many times I tell her to get off it. She knocks over everything in her personal area and she sits on my lap when it storms. Edie is beginning to potty train. I take her to the bathroom with me. We're trying the modeling technique. The other day she said, "You're using the potty like a big girl, Mommy?" I said, "Yep, big girls use the potty." She walks over to me sitting on the toilet, wraps her arm around me and says, "Awww, Mommy, you're so smart." As J said...who's training who?

Do you think philosophy makes you dumber?