Insomnia & Crisis

I can't flippin' sleep! I'm sooooo tired and I can't sleep. No OTC sleep aid, no prescription narcotic, no amount of alcohol can save me. You know how I know? I've tried all of them. Overandoverandoveragain. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, I will finally fall asleep only to awake exactly 4 and 1/2 hours later. I'm so tired that I can't recall all that REM cycle research I've read about, but I'm fairly certain I'm not sleeping the required number of hours to reach the required stage of sleep to maintain the required degree of sanity required by society.
That said, I've had all kinds of non-REM active brain time to ponder issues and riddles and conundrums of all sorts. You can imagine (considering my level of genius) that I have arrived at some very provocative and thoughtful conclusions about life and existence. For example, all those people who whine about how there just aren't enough hours in a day.....they mean there aren't enough hours in a day to sleep 8 fucking hours and do all the other meaningless bullshit they have scheduled to make themselves feel more productive in life. I know this because I have essentially gained 4 hours a day and guess what productive activities I've filled those hours with....go ahead...just guess.....WISHING I WAS SLEEPING 4 MORE HOURS! Nothing gets done. Nothing gets solved. I don't gain a bit of knowledge....unless you count the fact that I now know that a chamois cloth can soak 1.5 liters of liquid out of carpet in less than 2 minutes AND how to buy a house in foreclosure for $300. Some other conclusions and observations born of my insomnia:
1. The newspaper deliveryperson is incredibly punctual.
2. An entire family snoring in usinson sounds like one person snoring very loudly.
3. Infomercials prey on the weakness of those less rested. If I were a person of lesser will, I would own 3 different types of cookers, a vegetable chopper, a miracle chamois, 4 uncirculated coin sets, and a 3 month supply of sex-enhancement supplements.
4. Spongebob Squarepants can be viewed at any given time on at least one television channel regardless of the hour.

Clearly very valuable information. I know there are 20 or 30 more but I can't remember them BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING TIRED!!!!

I'm not sure if the lack of sleep is caused by or is creating the newest phase of this life that isn't mine.

I'm having a seven-years-short-of-half-the-projected-life-span-of-the-average-American-woman crisis. I want to be thinner. I want to be tan. I want to have an affair. I want to have great tits, even if I have to buy them. I want barely-of-age boys to want me. I want a fast car. I want great sex all the time. And I obsess about all of these things all the time. Or at least regularly from 1 to 4 am each day.

Let's all hope I survive.