Whiskey Dreams and Sad Little Victories

So, wow. It's been a while. Holidays are always such a whirlwind. I dread them when they're coming and always somewhat regret when they're gone. Aside from presents that I didn't ask for and hangovers that I did ask for, it wasn't so bad. Many days of children at this grandma's or that. Many nights stumbling into bed. It's a life that really isn't mine anymore but one that is so comfortable I can't help but climb back into.

Christmas night: Back in that hole in the wall bar that I hate. Lots of drunken cowboys and bad karaoke. A surprise this night though. A flash from the past. The boy from high school that everyone loved. The boys always wanted to be like him. The girls always wanted to be with him. I had my days in his sun. A few short weeks that high school made seem like a lifetime. He looked like shit. Life has been hard on him. Still the same boy. With his 22 year old girlfriend. I befriended her. She liked me. She hates being in his shadow here she says. It wasn't like this in Oregon she says. I can't see that he casts such a shadow anymore. Still it must be sad for her. There was a victory though. He was happy to see me. Said I looked fabulous. He had hoped to run into me soon. Trying the whole night to tell me, show me when she turned away. Still the same boy. A sad victory, I know. But a victory nonetheless. The local sheriff pulled my ex-brother-in-law over on the way home. In the Christmas spirit he sent us on our way. Possibly to our deaths, but it was Christmas and it was a nice gesture.
I did a drown night at one of the college bars in Tulsa. Damn that's been a long time and now I remember why. Or maybe it's better to say I remember part of why. A couple of ladies nights in places where there were no "ladies" in sight. I told lots of stories. How did they put it? Oh.."Holly was in rare form last night." My phone rang often. Too many times I let them talk me into getting out of bed and into the car to meet them. I've never been one to turn away the masses, you know. My husband is never comfortable when I am that person. He's angry and doesn't know why. He's lonely and doesn't know why. It's funny. It's that person that he fell in love with. That person is the one he married.

New Year's Eve: After the Christmas/sheriff incident, I didn't want to venture south of this little town. I drove the mile and a half to my ex-brother-in-law's house. It was an odd collection of old friends. Me, my husband, one of my sisters, one of my ex-brother-in-laws (with a different sister), Jill's ex-husband, his cousin, his friend. Later Chase came. The ex-brother-in-law went to jail. We told him not to drive to the bar. We fully understood that it was only half a mile and that it was only for half an hour. We tried to make him understand that he had already been pardoned by fate just one week ago. He didn't listen. And all of his daddy's ex-mayoral political power yielded nothing. Well...they didn't impound his truck. We stayed and partied. Chase cooked some Chase concoction. Nobody ate it. Not even Chase this time. Maybe he has changed after all. It seemed like he was gone as quickly as he arrived. I wish I had been able to spend a little more time. Pay a little more attention.
There are many more stories. I'll try to get to them after a few days of this rambling. I think I'm ready to leave the life that's not mine anymore behind for a little bit. Maybe till summer. Maybe just until spring. It was warm and cozy there.