Waxing Philosophical Floors in the Building that Houses My Life
I woke up this morning from another dream that keeps me thinking all day long. I'm realizing that I live my life as if the jury is still out. You can read the title of my blog and know that. It's no real secret, I guess. I look back on decisions I've made and believe that, even if they were wrong, I possess the power to reverse them. Maybe that's confidence, maybe it's denial. There are some permanent things in life...I realize that. The way you love your children, inherent desires and needs. If there is such a thing as destiny, such a thing as fate, isn't it just an ultimate culmination of your own choices? I believe I can change things because I have to believe it.
On Tuesday night, I dreamt about someone I rarely dream about. Someone who's place in my mind is purposefully more conscious. Someone who's place in my life is purposefully less concrete. It reminded me of feelings that are always kept at bay and history that always repeats itself. And I wonder if I'm only fooling myself. Those feelings kept at bay...aren't they concrete? If they're always there, they must be subconscious as well. Have I invented a private reality only to keep it from my public reality? I know my feelings are real...in the back of my mind, behind my heart, they're real. Is it only because there was never closure? Was there never closure because there was never really a beginning? Have I schemed, subconsciously..unconsciously, to prevent closure? And does it hold me back or inspire me? Am I dawdling in the sunlight of what-once-was? And what was that sunlight? Was there ever a what-once-was? These are the reasons that I need one of those moments-into-hours of heartfelt exchanges about life and love and fear. And all of the reasons that I don't.
By the way...I was thinking of the way that everyone signs and addresses others with initials lately. It seems so impersonally personal. I think I'll start signing: H to the O to the L-L-Y.
posted by Holly @ 11:10 AM
8 Complaints to Management
8 Comments:
Christmas spirit people. Baby Jesus. Frankincense. Where is everyone's fucking Christmas spirit? LEMON CUSTARD!
p.s. Let the what-once-was stay in the teenage years until there is resolution. No need worrying about it now, because you know it will be awhile.
J (to the Izzle-Lizzle-Lizzle Y)
Lest you forget, I was not a teenager 4 years ago. I hear ya though. Maybe I can reminisce as I'm dashing through the snow wearing a santa hat and eating fruitcake.
They say that closure is a good thing; however, sometimes the lack of closure can be an inspiration. I know this from my own gaping holes that have been left open by loves lost.
what is it people mean when they say closure? a door that can't be reopened? a final goodbye; an amen? i think maybe and speaking only in general terms and only by percentages that women may be better at being done with things then men. a man is always looking back. this man, anyway. through closed doors and locked windows. nothing is ever finished. not even though i'd like it to be. perhaps it is good that it's all a bit ragged and that no promise, not even goodbye, is guaranteed.
j(ason)
Never thought of it that way. Maybe men look back more, but women are more nostalgic?
Maybe you're right, J. Maybe things are better left alone. I would hate to have that moment when I realize that closure means forever. And I think it does.
Holly, I once had a dream I was doing it with Bryant Gumble. (ewwwww. I know. No one was more icked by this than me. I mean this not in a racist way, but in a way that says, "Ew, Bryant Gumble should NOT be in a sex dream of mine.") So, don't let those dreams drag you into believing they mean something. I'm here to tell you, they do not.
Amazing how I started waxing floors and ended up, like, scrubbing baseboards.
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